Jokes

[mrlex]

Not sure what happened to the other thread but I thought this was a good idea...post your jokes up!

THINK BEFORE YOU POST!


Ill start it off...

A very old couple wanted to have children. The doctor gave the couple a tiny jar and told them to fill it up. About a week later, the couple came back."I tried with my right hand until it gave out, and I tried with my left hand until it gave out," said the man."And I tried with both hands until they gave out," said the woman. "And we still can't get the lid off the jar."

[maca]

Haha good one :google:
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

[gareth_oau]

Two young brothers 5 and 8 are chatting in their bedroom.

the 8 yr old says "I think its time we grew up a bit and showed mum! Adults swear a lot, so if we do the same, we can show mum we've grown up!"

the 5 year old agrees and 8 yr old says "ok, when we go down to breakfast, I'm gunna swear at mum, you just follow me and do the same!"

so they move to the kitchen where mum is preparing breakfast. she says "morning boys, what would you like for breakfast?"

the 8 yr old winks at his little brother and says to his mum "I demand some of those f&%king coc pops dammit!!"

The mum is so shocked, she slaps him across the face a shouts at him to go to his room.

then mum frowns and looks at the 5 yr old and asks "and what do you want for breakfast???"

5 yr old's lower lip quivers as he replies "well you can bet the f%&k it ain't any of those coco pops!"

[Jarred]

here's a list of quips and one liner I had on my comp: some are funny, some arn't.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?

Do married people live longer than single people, or does it
just SEEM longer?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

[Jarred]

2 Antennas get married. The wedding was crap but the reception was excellent.

There are two sauges in a frying pan. The first one says: "It sure is hot in here." The second one is startled and replies "Oh Dear God! A talking sausage!"

Why did the chicken hold a seance?
To cross to the other side.......

Why did the kitten cross the road?
It was nailed to the chicken.

2 Termites walk into a bar. The first asks: " Is the bar tender here?"

This guy walks into a bar. You'd reckon his guide dog would have stopped him ...

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says: Why the long face?

A grasshoper walk into the bar.
Bartender: "Hey! weve got a drink named after you!"
Grasshoper: "What Kevin?!?!"

Why did jimmy fall off the bike, Jimmy was a goldfish

Jumper leads and a bra walk into a bar. The inkeep says "Now, i'm not serving you two! Piss off!"
"Why not?" asked the bra.
"You are off your tits mate, and he looks like he wants to start something..."

Monkey walks into a bar, orders a beer and sits down. He starts to play some keno and study the form guide. The barman says "My brother runs a circus, he could use someone with your talents!"
The monkey replies "What does he need a welder for???"

Q. Why do Farts smell?
A. So deaf people aren't left out.

Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?
A. A walk.


Why did piglet go to the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

What do mothballs smell like?
Don't know, I can't get their legs far apart enough.


Q: What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
A: Stand back baby i dont know how big this thing gets.


Q: Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind as it hits your windscreen?
A: Its bum.

Q: What do you call a monkey with a banana in each of his ears?
A: Anything you like he cant hear you.

Q: Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
A: Where you left it.

Q: A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff, who lands first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

Why do wizards talk funny?
Because they have crystal balls.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?
Robin, get in the car.

A panda walks into a bar and says to the bar man ‘Can I have a.............coke?’ The bar man says ‘Why the long pause’ The bear looks at his paws and says ‘I was born with them’.


A man walks into the butchers and says to the butcher ‘I bet you can’t touch that meat up there’ the bar man replies ‘I would but the stakes are too high’

A man walked into a doctors surgery, with a massive strawberry on his head! The doctor merely looked at the man, an exclaimed "I can give you some cream for that!".

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please...and one for the road."


wo hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive.."

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next." They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

What did one math book say to the other? Leave me alone, I've got my own problems

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

Why are elephants gray?
So you don't get them confused with blueberries

What's black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?
A crow with a machine gun.

This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"
"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back. His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
It has great food, but no atmosphere.

What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins?
Fred.

Why did the kangaroo have a headache?
Because four koalas and a fridge fell on its head.

why did billy fall off his bike?,..........somebody through a fridge at him.

why did sally fall off the swing?,........she had no arms.

why did billy stop swinging on the clothes line?........somebody hit him with a cricket bat.

what do you call man with his head under a car?

jack

a man with no legs and no arms in a pool?

bob

a man with a rabbit in his @ss?

warren

a man in a pile of leaves?

russel

a man with a shovel in his head?

doug

a man without a shovel in his head?

dougless

whats green, round and goes up and down?
a pea in a lift

what do you call a red bucket?
a red bucket

what do you call a yellow bucket?
a red bucket in disguise

whats green and always points north?
a cucumber

why does the elephant have yellow paint on its soles?
so it can hide upside down in a bowl of custard

why did the koala fall out of the tree?
it was dead

why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
it was stapled to the first koala

why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
peer pressure

whats green, got four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
a pool table

[maca]

Hahahaha some of them are soo lame, but so freakin hilarious!!! :banana:

[mrlex]

Haha sometimes the stupid jokes are the best...keep 'em coming!

[greasykitchen]

why does the elephant have yellow paint on its soles?
so it can hide upside down in a bowl of custard

Hahahahaha!!! I love those old elephant jokes.

How can you tell an elephant has been in your fridge?
The footprints in the butter.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
(I have this shirt (http://www.redbubble.com/people/bradmacduff/t-shirts/2780653-1-why-do-elephants-paint-their-toenails-red)).

[wombatoutofhell]

How many elephants can you fit in a mini?
4-2 in the front and 2 in the back.

How many giraffes can you fit in a mini?
none-it's allready full of elephants.

How do you know if an elephant has been in your house?
a footprint in the butter.

How do you know if 2 elephants have been in your house?
2 footprints in the butter

how do you know if there's been 3 elephants in your house?
3 footprints in the butter

how do you know if there's been 4 elephants in your house?
there's a mini parked out the front.

how many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
only 2 but I have no idea how they got in there.

2 fish were in a tank. one says to the other "you drive and I'll work the gun"

2 fish were swimming up a river when they found themselves blocked by a wall. One says to the other "dam"

A man walked into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but glad wrap. The shrink looks at him and says "well I can clearly see your nuts"

An Englishman, an Irishman and an American walked into a bar. The bartender looks up and says " what is this some sort of joke?"

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea

What do you fall a fish with no eyes?
a fsh

That will do for now-more later maybe. This is the crap my head is filled with!

[greasykitchen]

I thought you could fit 5 elephants in a mini - 2 in the front, 2 in the back and one in the glovebox :D

Love the elephant joke sequence. Old, but classic. And the mice in the light bulb - gold!

[sporran]

Foreign Tourist Q & A:

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[mikepologti]

what do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef

what do you call a women with one leg?

ilene


what do you call a man passed out on your door step?

mat

what did the lepper say to the prostitute?

keep the tip

whyd the lepper fail his driving exam?

left his foot on the clutch

whyd the lepper leave the party?

people kept sticking jatz into his back

[Jayse]

whyd the lepper leave the party?

people kept sticking jatz into his back

ooohh...that's nasty!!:bowpuke:

[gareth_oau]

a limerick?

The priest at the church of St Just,
Consumed with erotical lust.
He raped the bishop's prize fowls,
buggered four startled owls
and a little green lizard that bust.

[The_Hawk]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

[maca]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Aaron how? How Aaron? AARON! How?

[seangti]

Aaron how? How Aaron? AARON! How?

it's been an hour and a half and I'm still waiting. I won't wait much longer :wasntme: